Just Talk It

“It’s not working out anymore; you are just not the same person”
“It’s not working out anymore; I just can’t/don’t understand you.”

Everybody has either heard one or two of these phrases before or knows at least one person who has.

Relationships are usually tricky because it is based on one tool that although seemingly easy, is one of the hardest things to wear a t-shirt for that says ‘I came, I saw, I conquered’.

There’s an entire planet in-between a lady’s world and a man’s world. So how do two independent indigenes each of their own serious culture socialization, come together to form their own country without one trying to form Biafra and causing civil war 3000,(that will eventually be turned into a movie stereotype).

Communication! Comunicación! Communicationem! Communication!

Yes, communication; the exchange and flow of information and ideas from one person to another. It involves a sender transmitting an idea, information, or feeling to a receiver. (U.S. Army 1983).

I know, I know. Right now, you’re like huh? What is this b on about? Ofcourse we talk!
Communication is beyond, “hey love”, “hi dear”, “hello babe”, “what’s up?”, “How was your day?” “What did you do today?”!
Stop expecting the other person to always know that’s what’s up or that’s how you feel now. Dying silently on the inside is the loudest killer. No mind reading, except you are involved with a psychic. Well in that case, Congrats! But then, what happens when you have to read his/her mind? You will become a psychic too?
Whoever said relationships aren’t work should remain lazy and single. If it’s not worth fighting for, then it’s not worth the wasting of your time because that’s what it will end up being.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying relationships are just stress filled and work work work! No! I’m saying that if we all be true to ourselves, we realize that a lasting happy relationship requires a level of work before a certain kind of routine and method is formed in which the parties settle into, that now makes it seem more relaxed but really is the same initial process that just seems easier over time. That heady, heart stopping feeling isn’t what gets you through to the end. Movies last as long as the movies last; some of those people can’t even stand each other in real life. Some of those authors have never felt love before. So why are you basing what a relationship ought to be like and how it would last on delusions that cost you money?

As simple as ‘communication’ sounds, it is as I said earlier tricky. You are in truth always wondering what you should say and not say. What you should ask and what you shouldn’t. There are things you want him/her to say but you want to do what you think is the right thing by giving him/her space. And he/she is there waiting for you to ask! Er, Warning…system has caught a small virus. Don’t forget that viruses spread. The large always starts from small. The most complicated always starts from a simple miss match. So in this case be would it be so wrong to say: “Listen babe, I would really like to know why blah blah blah…but I’m going to respect you and give you your space”. Now that right there is communication!

So on to the how: How do you get so good at that?
In life generally, talent is never enough, ‘it just comes to me naturally’ isn’t it either! It’s through knowledge and practice! Be it empirical or simple common knowledge or studied knowledge. The knowledge was communicated to you. (Empirically- that’s Mother Nature saying “boy/girl what’s wrong with you; don’t you see you’re wrong?!).
In applying this important part of life, ask yourself questions about the person you are with. I’m not going to give you the questions to ask but here are a few simple examples: how much do you know about his/her past or where his/her future is headed? How much do you guys share? Do I really listen? Do I talk more than I listen? Do we really communicate or we just talk? How much do you know about the type of person he is? How much do I know about the people that influence his choices and decisions that make him/her who he/she is? Do I make myself approachable when she/he needs to talk? Can I really talk to him/her?

Read books! Learn about relationships. Sorry guys, but there is no relationship school. Nowhere to go and study, life is the home tutor. But at least you have textbooks that you can rely on! Read books on relationships and communication. If you are going to put so much time and energy into it, you might as well know what you are doing! If not, why waste your time then?

Practice! Practice! Practice!
Just like the man who looks at himself in the mirror and walks away forgetting what he looks like is the same as the person who listens and reads and doesn’t practice! Why gather so much information if it is not going to be useful to you? Er spend your time on something more profitable then.
Practice communication…talk about things with this person. Friendship should be the first thing you feel and enjoy with this person for a true relationship. Mention those things that are being swept under the carpet. Not necessarily to discuss it but to say hey, I’m here we can talk about it. Talk about the external factors that play a role in your relationship e.g. your other friends that affect your relationship and how much you are gonna let them affect you two.
‘I don’t want to talk right now, but I’m glad you asked and are concerned; if I can we’ll talk about it later” is so much nicer than “please just give me space I’m not in the mood”.

Just remember that sometimes the unsaid might be the simple drop in the ocean that leads to “I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore”
“It’s not working out anymore; you are just not the same person”
“It’s not working out anymore; I just can’t/don’t understand you.”

p.s. this article is for only people that want to make their relationships work and last.Live, Love and Learn!